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The Trumpy Tattler

Trump Picks Matt Gaetz For Top DOJ Post

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Matt Gaetz (R-FL) is a congressman who proves that having a father who was President of the Florida Senate and inheriting a house featured in The Truman Show isn't necessarily a recipe for a quiet life in politics. Despite investing what appears to be the GDP of a small nation in hair gel to maintain his distinctive Ken-doll coiffure, he ascended to Congress in 2017, where he's dedicated himself to mastering the art of performative outrage and turning routine congressional procedures into impromptu reality TV episodes.

His signature legislative achievements include storming a secure facility during impeachment proceedings while complaining about lack of transparency (with cameras in tow), filing ethics complaints against Nancy Pelosi for ripping up a speech, and voting against a human trafficking bill while, ironically, being under federal investigation for potential trafficking himself (though he denies all wrongdoing and no charges were filed). 

His rumored pursuit of Tiffany Trump's hand in marriage - which sadly for him ended in her marriage to someone else - suggested an ambitious plan to become the next Trump son-in-law. However, his excessive sweating is rumored to have upset Ivanka.

 

When not making headlines of his own or touching up his carefully sculpted pompadour, Gaetz can often be found gazing adoringly at his congressional crush, Josh Hawley, presumably daydreaming about their shared passion for fist-pumping at protesters and competing to see who can appear on Tucker Carlson more frequently. Their joint performances in congressional hearings suggest a political bromance for the ages, united in their quest to transform serious oversight committees into viral video opportunities.

 

Gaetz has perfected the art of making himself the main character of Congress's daily drama, whether through fiery speeches about "wokeism," leading efforts to derail Speaker nominations, or appearing on cable news so frequently one might assume he has a cot in the Fox News green room. His hair remains mysteriously unmoved through it all, leading to speculation about whether it's actually a highly sophisticated polymer developed by NASA.

 

In an institution full of attention-seeking politicians, Gaetz stands out as Florida's premier political performance artist - though whether that's a compliment or criticism depends entirely on one's perspective on the state of American democracy.

A Typical Gaetz Day

We spoke with Matt over drinks while sitting by his pool. He's no slouch! The early bird gets the worm!

6:00 AM - Wakes up, checks Twitter to make sure no one has surpassed his record for most congressional floor speeches containing the phrase "woke mind virus"

 

7:00 AM - Morning routine of practicing outraged facial expressions in the mirror for future cable news appearances 

 

8:30 AM - Files motion to impeach the Capitol building cafeteria manager for serving "Beyond

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When Gaetz is not practicing his Nazi salute, Gaetz spends time gaming, volunteering for his local Brownie Troop and 

helping girls' travel needs, including his hands-on tutorial on Venmo.

Meat" burger options

 

10:00 AM - Committee meeting. Submits amendment to rename the House Committee on Ethics to the "House Committee on Whatever Hunter Biden is Doing Right Now"

 

12:00 PM - Lunch break spent drafting tweets comparing mundane policy disagreements to literal warfare

 

2:00 PM - Storms out of three different meetings he wasn't actually invited to

 

3:30 PM - Records podcast episode titled "Why Everything is Actually Critical Race Theory"

 

5:00 PM - Practices new parliamentary procedure: the "performative walkout"

 

7:00 PM - Evening Fox News hit where he explains why the latest infrastructure bill is secretly a plot to turn highways into bike lanes

 

9:00 PM - Ends day by filing motion to investigate why his office coffee machine is clearly biased against conservatives

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Mrs. Trump Goes To Washington...Again.

Meet Melania Trump, the former model who never quite expected her reality show marriage contract to turn into a White House saga. These days, she can be found in her gilded Mar-a-Lago suite, which she's cleverly renovated to include three panic rooms, seven escape hatches, and a state-of-the-art lock system that even the Secret Service can't crack.

 

Her daily routine begins with her "wellness ritual" - a carefully curated regimen that she swears keeps her zen-like composure intact. Her kitchen staff has standing orders to hide her special "tension-taming" gummies in her imported Slovenian ginger juice smoothies. "BE BEST at relaxing," she reportedly whispers to herself while doing anti-gravity yoga in her personal meditation dome.

 

Breakfast consists of 17 goldfish filets and a Diet Coke. She is continuing her support of mental health causes through her work in Oregon, helping those who are using micro-dosing to cope with PTSD. Her permanently unsurprised expression - perfected since November 2016 - is now more serene than ever, which she attributes

to her "totally legal herbs from the finest sources, believe me."

 

Between avoiding public appearances and practicing her "I can't believe this is happening again" face in diamond-encrusted mirrors, she binge-watches "The Crown" on Netflix, sighing dramatically at every royal tiara moment. Legend has it she's still waiting for her own promised crown jewels - a saga that began a decade ago when she received what Donald assured her was a "temporary placeholder" cubic zirconia engagement ring. "The real diamond is coming, believe me, they're going to be huge, the biggest diamond anyone's ever seen," he reportedly declared. Ten years later, the zirconia continues to "hold space" while Melania adds "fact-check jewelry appraisers" to her daily to-do list. Though Donald did mention to her at his ex-wife’s funeral that the jeweler did call, the rock is in. 

 

Her memoir-in-progress, tentatively titled "I Really Don't Care, Do U: The Sequel," remains perpetually 'almost finished.' Sources close to her suggest she spends her afternoons redesigning the White House bunker (just in case), and practicing new ways to swat away certain hands during photo ops. 

 

Her evenings are dedicated to teaching herself with the help of her beloved Rosetta Stone how to say "Not tonight, dear, I have a headache" in seventeen different languages, though lately she's been more interested in mastering "These are just medical gummies" in multiple dialects.

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